Happy First Day of Spring!

(Is it just me, or is this picture of Spring highly disturbing?)

Lenten Reflections

Grace in the face of my ugliness
should bring me to my knees
but instead they lock, and I tremble
to find out how to please.

I feel the guilt spread
like a drop of ink in water
I tread restless and unfocused
while what I need is, "Father!"

Receiving Grace undeserved
seems like a burden too great to bear.
But then Christ says, "Rest Child!
That is why I am here."

So the Grace that makes me tremble
now puts my heart at ease
though true, I am the debtor,
I walk away released.

Thank you, Grace Incarnate
for absorbing my black stain
all praise, honor and glory is yours,
the Lamb of God, who reigns.

A Barney Day

It's a Barney day. Yes, it is that low of a day that I voluntarily suggested watching Barney, and now instead of working on my list of things to do, I am online. Ugh.
The boys are tired, and I have been really tired lately, too. I have a lot on my plate, and I think the 5 hours of teaching per week have gotten to me more than I want to admit. So today we have had bumped heads, lost tacks somewhere in Michi's room, lots of tears, and Mommy absolutely losing it. As soon as it happened, Will's face melted and he then turned around and walked away. At that point my heart melted. I had crushed him in my stress, fear and anger. Today seems to be more about the condition of my heart than accomplishing a to-do list.
After I cuddled with my precious Will and asked him for forgiveness, I went back to my "oh-so-important" task thinking, "What is wrong with me? I am not normally like this!"
But you know what? Left to my natural self, I am like that. I roll around in unbelief until the clutch of stress and fear tightens to the point of some sort of release, like squeezing the bottom of a closed tube of toothpaste. Eventually, it's all over the place, and you can't hide it from yourself or the rest of your world.
But I am not left to my natural self (why do I forget that?). This Lent I have been acutely aware of the brokenness of this world, which is groaning to be made new. But I have also been made aware of my own weakness and brokenness. I too, am groaning to be made new.
...And it is already happening. The celebration of redemption and new life is just around the corner, and it is reaching it's fingers of light into the darkness of Lent. The good news of Easter is that I have not been abandoned to lashing out at my children, or self-criticism, and even unbelief. Easter sings that when I can't- He can; and in the process I am pruned and reach out my fingers to take hold of the light that is already there waiting for me.

Reflections on Auditions in Chicago

This weekend I became the mother of two teenage boys instead of two preschool boys. No, Max and Will did not suddenly have a burst of testosterone, but I was the surrogate mama to my little brother and his friend as they went to audition at Wheaton College and DePaul University.
As we entered the school of music, we were met by a cacophony of sound: Mozart flying through the air, the distant sound of tympani pounding, the names of hopefuls signing in, the loud silence of potentials waiting and parents praying. These students represent years of hard work, hours of practice, small fortunes and cultivated dreams. And all of this came to the crossroads of an audition to see if they have done enough, practiced enough, prepared enough, became enough. The spread of doughnuts seemed to mock, for who could eat?
Then as auditions were taking place, I went to an information session and learned that if my boys are still wanted after two rounds of cuts, they will only be able to attend this university if they pay $50,000 a year.
In the midst of all this I couldn’t help but be thankful for how much different it is coming to God. With him you never come to a crossroad of performance where you have to demonstrate that you have mastered and polished a list of requirements to make it through the first cut. It was when Christ hung and bled and died on the cross and then crescendoed into resurrected life three days later that all requirements were fulfilled and mastered. This allows us to bring the broken, imperfect and dissonant notes of our life to the master composer who then weaves them into the symphony of Jesus and gently brings them to resolution, or in a different word: home. And all God hears is a perfect masterpiece of love.

Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent.

I wonder what this season will hold.

Today I am very aware of my limitations.

Here is a link to a GREAT article about Lent. Please read it.

http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/all-fall-down#more-29056

I'm Learning

I'm learning...

that I still love to teach, but I love being a mom more.

that community is essential.

that I still need to really digest Bonhoeffer's words that "...self-sacrifice makes community possible."

that I am capable of doing a lot more that I thought I was. It really is a matter of priorities.

that there is nothing better than coming home to people who love you.

that God is always doing something and is just looking for an available heart to take action.

that "the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

that God uses my boys to teach me about himself.

that it is late, and I am tired and have a way too busy day tomorrow.

What are you learning?

My Thatch Roof

As I got out of the car to go into Blockbuster for our first weekly Saturday movie, wine and chocolate night, I was slapped in the face by an icy gust of wind (at least for South Carolinian standards). I sank deeper into my fleece and walked quickly over to the building. When I was sheltered by its walls, the cold was no longer as terrible, and the wind was just a breeze.
I realized that this is what Joey is to me. A place to hide; a place to warm up; a place that makes situations seem not as bad; a place where I don’t have to hide in my fleece. Blockbuster was not my first stop. I was actually on my way to the store to pick up the wine and a few other things when I eagerly took a detour to Starbucks. I had left Joey at home with dinner to be made, a sick four- year- old and a toddler refusing to poop, even though, according to him, his belly “tickled.”
I was in a daze, tired from weeks of colds, pink eye, stomach problems, and starting a new job. As I sat in quiet and sipped my tea, the warmth started flooding my body, and it started to thaw my heart. The tea cup with a heart on it in honor of Valentines Day was Joey’s heart; a part of him. I have seen the effects of his work. Any excess of his body has disappeared, and now he is all muscle. He works so hard that he is in a way actually trading part of his body to take care of his family. Day after day he trades the seconds of his life to make mine better, and gives me the luxury of sipping a foamy Chai. It had only been the other day (here) that I had seen building imagery used to describe love. In 1 Corinthians 13 when Paul says that love bears all things, the Greek word being used can actually mean a “thatch roof.” A roof keeps that icy wind of life out. Real love places itself intentionally between the storm and the loved one.
I was gone for a little over two hours. I called home, and sheepishly apologized that I had been MIA for so long. His response was, “Stay away as long as you need to.” He was intentionally and joyfully bearing my load and sheltering me from it. Tears came to my eyes as I eagerly drove home.

Joey, thank you for being a thatch roof for me.

I love you.