The acceptance letters and financial aid packages keep filling up our mailbox, because Michi has done his part, and God has blessed. I flew to Chicago a month ago, and went back in time to a place where 18-year-old, culture- shocked, brokenhearted and just broken Charissa walked the sidewalks of Wheaton College and decided against it because the landscape was too flat. As I walked through this amazing college a month ago, while my baby brother auditioned, I could not help but think of what might have been. What kind of success could I have achieved? What places could I have traveled to? What kind of hardships not experienced? All these questions were in stark contrast to the reality of this 30-year-old mother. A reality consisting of an increasing amount of grey hair, leftover chewed- up cracker goo of a child stuck to the shoulder of my coat, and a seemingly empty portfolio of achievement.
And so over the last month I have fought jealousy and discontentment. Sometimes it has been bitter to swallow. At other times, I have really seen how God is blessing me here and now through my children, through the strength of tired Christian refugees starting all over again in this country, through my church and through Joey.
As I was reading here about homeschooling today, I came across this: “...we pursue not a cultural definition of success but of true greatness for our kids: ‘having an unquenchable passion for God that manifests itself in an unwavering love and concern for others.’” It hit me, isn’t this what God wants for every one of us? A passion and love for him, that offers itself generously to others? Isn’t this what God is educating me toward?
His school has led me to a life that is a lot different than my initial youthful goals and dare I say it, dreams. This higher education has put some grey into my hair, it has stained my clothes with cookies, goldfish, and sometimes tears, and it has given me new dreams. This is the perfect school for me. This is my story; the one God wrote just for me so that my passion for him would be mighty, and my love for others true. I have not graduated yet, but I can say that there was a different Charissa walking the paths of Wheaton College last month.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Daddy's Helper
Joey is in the middle of making a new chicken coop. (I have no idea why he hasn't finished yet. He has a such a great little helper!)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Lenten Reflections
Grace in the face of my ugliness
should bring me to my knees
but instead they lock, and I tremble
to find out how to please.
I feel the guilt spread
like a drop of ink in water
I tread restless and unfocused
while what I need is, "Father!"
Receiving Grace undeserved
seems like a burden too great to bear.
But then Christ says, "Rest Child!
That is why I am here."
So the Grace that makes me tremble
now puts my heart at ease
though true, I am the debtor,
I walk away released.
Thank you, Grace Incarnate
for absorbing my black stain
all praise, honor and glory is yours,
the Lamb of God, who reigns.
should bring me to my knees
but instead they lock, and I tremble
to find out how to please.
I feel the guilt spread
like a drop of ink in water
I tread restless and unfocused
while what I need is, "Father!"
Receiving Grace undeserved
seems like a burden too great to bear.
But then Christ says, "Rest Child!
That is why I am here."
So the Grace that makes me tremble
now puts my heart at ease
though true, I am the debtor,
I walk away released.
Thank you, Grace Incarnate
for absorbing my black stain
all praise, honor and glory is yours,
the Lamb of God, who reigns.
Friday, March 9, 2012
A Barney Day
It's a Barney day. Yes, it is that low of a day that I voluntarily suggested watching Barney, and now instead of working on my list of things to do, I am online. Ugh.
The boys are tired, and I have been really tired lately, too. I have a lot on my plate, and I think the 5 hours of teaching per week have gotten to me more than I want to admit. So today we have had bumped heads, lost tacks somewhere in Michi's room, lots of tears, and Mommy absolutely losing it. As soon as it happened, Will's face melted and he then turned around and walked away. At that point my heart melted. I had crushed him in my stress, fear and anger. Today seems to be more about the condition of my heart than accomplishing a to-do list.
After I cuddled with my precious Will and asked him for forgiveness, I went back to my "oh-so-important" task thinking, "What is wrong with me? I am not normally like this!"
But you know what? Left to my natural self, I am like that. I roll around in unbelief until the clutch of stress and fear tightens to the point of some sort of release, like squeezing the bottom of a closed tube of toothpaste. Eventually, it's all over the place, and you can't hide it from yourself or the rest of your world.
But I am not left to my natural self (why do I forget that?). This Lent I have been acutely aware of the brokenness of this world, which is groaning to be made new. But I have also been made aware of my own weakness and brokenness. I too, am groaning to be made new.
...And it is already happening. The celebration of redemption and new life is just around the corner, and it is reaching it's fingers of light into the darkness of Lent. The good news of Easter is that I have not been abandoned to lashing out at my children, or self-criticism, and even unbelief. Easter sings that when I can't- He can; and in the process I am pruned and reach out my fingers to take hold of the light that is already there waiting for me.
The boys are tired, and I have been really tired lately, too. I have a lot on my plate, and I think the 5 hours of teaching per week have gotten to me more than I want to admit. So today we have had bumped heads, lost tacks somewhere in Michi's room, lots of tears, and Mommy absolutely losing it. As soon as it happened, Will's face melted and he then turned around and walked away. At that point my heart melted. I had crushed him in my stress, fear and anger. Today seems to be more about the condition of my heart than accomplishing a to-do list.
After I cuddled with my precious Will and asked him for forgiveness, I went back to my "oh-so-important" task thinking, "What is wrong with me? I am not normally like this!"
But you know what? Left to my natural self, I am like that. I roll around in unbelief until the clutch of stress and fear tightens to the point of some sort of release, like squeezing the bottom of a closed tube of toothpaste. Eventually, it's all over the place, and you can't hide it from yourself or the rest of your world.
But I am not left to my natural self (why do I forget that?). This Lent I have been acutely aware of the brokenness of this world, which is groaning to be made new. But I have also been made aware of my own weakness and brokenness. I too, am groaning to be made new.
...And it is already happening. The celebration of redemption and new life is just around the corner, and it is reaching it's fingers of light into the darkness of Lent. The good news of Easter is that I have not been abandoned to lashing out at my children, or self-criticism, and even unbelief. Easter sings that when I can't- He can; and in the process I am pruned and reach out my fingers to take hold of the light that is already there waiting for me.
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