A Barney Day

It's a Barney day. Yes, it is that low of a day that I voluntarily suggested watching Barney, and now instead of working on my list of things to do, I am online. Ugh.
The boys are tired, and I have been really tired lately, too. I have a lot on my plate, and I think the 5 hours of teaching per week have gotten to me more than I want to admit. So today we have had bumped heads, lost tacks somewhere in Michi's room, lots of tears, and Mommy absolutely losing it. As soon as it happened, Will's face melted and he then turned around and walked away. At that point my heart melted. I had crushed him in my stress, fear and anger. Today seems to be more about the condition of my heart than accomplishing a to-do list.
After I cuddled with my precious Will and asked him for forgiveness, I went back to my "oh-so-important" task thinking, "What is wrong with me? I am not normally like this!"
But you know what? Left to my natural self, I am like that. I roll around in unbelief until the clutch of stress and fear tightens to the point of some sort of release, like squeezing the bottom of a closed tube of toothpaste. Eventually, it's all over the place, and you can't hide it from yourself or the rest of your world.
But I am not left to my natural self (why do I forget that?). This Lent I have been acutely aware of the brokenness of this world, which is groaning to be made new. But I have also been made aware of my own weakness and brokenness. I too, am groaning to be made new.
...And it is already happening. The celebration of redemption and new life is just around the corner, and it is reaching it's fingers of light into the darkness of Lent. The good news of Easter is that I have not been abandoned to lashing out at my children, or self-criticism, and even unbelief. Easter sings that when I can't- He can; and in the process I am pruned and reach out my fingers to take hold of the light that is already there waiting for me.