Tick Tock

I hate saying “hello” because it means a “good-bye” is looming.

When you grow up saying many goodbyes, you come to see how saying hello winds up the clock. As much as you enjoy the time spent, there is always the tick-tock of the clock in the background, bringing the goodbye a second, an hour, a day closer.

I have dealt with the hands of time in many different ways. Sometimes I have pretended they are not there. I just act like time will keep going and will never reach its final tock. Sometimes I have not fully engaged after the hello, thinking that if I don’t say hello the goodbye will not hurt as deeply. So time passes and opportunities are wasted. Words that needed to be said were muted, and the hurt sears deeper than the goodbye because I chose the fog when clear skies were mine for a time.
Sometimes all I hear is the tick and the tock, and I don’t hear the belly laughter, the apologies, the cries for help, the “I love you’s.” Blessings are drowned out by the have-not’s, and memories from this time are a blur because I did not acknowledge.

It is the end of May. Graduations are the celebration of what was and the doorway into the new. Teaching my refugees was a delight, but quite a stress at home. Lesson planning really created a lot of stress. I have knots in my back and gnawed fingernails to prove it. I counted down the days to the final day of class almost from the start. This past Saturday was the last day, and left me wondering what else I could have done. 15 weeks is too short of a time to waste any lessons when survival is on the line. I did waste some lessons. A few times my heart was not in them. At our celebration of accomplishment, I was given many gifts, and it made me sad to then be feeling the profound sense of responsibility I had.
It was a good reminder of other tasks and relationships in life. When I think about my marriage, am I constantly just looking into the future to a time when we can go on our dream vacation, that I waste time now and don’t truly listen? College seems so far away for my boys, but am I so desperate and set on making it to the end of the day that I miss those opportunities to love on them, to play with them, to acknowledge their fears and hurts, to give them time to learn? Sometimes, many times, I would have to say yes. The mundane has a way of silencing the clock, making me believe that tomorrow is guaranteed. But God calls me to give of myself today, not tomorrow, not when I feel inspired, not only when I am motivated, and even when it might hurt. If today means nasty do-it-all-over-again kind of work, or reviewing the past tense for the 20th time, or saying hello, and even saying goodbye, then I can be sure that God will meet me there. When the tick tocks of Christ’s life were becoming dangerously low, he took off his clothes, knelt down and washed the grime of dusty, dung spotted roads off the feet of his friends.

So I am learning that the tick-tock is a blessing. It can remind me of what truly matters. Now I am doing my best to allow my heart to open fully to hello, even though I know that the goodbye is coming. There is still a stab of pain there, but I refuse to let it blind me to what is being given to me here and now, namely God himself.

Super Moon

Due to cloud cover, we were not able to see the super moon at its biggest. However, once the clouds cleared out, we were able to spot it. My favorite part was getting Max out of bed and walking up our dark street to a spot where the tress were not in the way of the view.
The pictures are not 100% focused, but I did have to zoom it a lot to get these pics. I was actually pretty amazed I was able to zoom in as far as I did. I used to gaze at the moon as a teenager with my brother's Russian military binoculars while sitting our the balcony in Vienna. Last night became a special memory for me to be looking at the moon with Maxi. (He liked it, but he was a little scared being outside in the dark, sitting in the middle of the road.) I hope we have some more chances to look up at the sky and see how awesome, majestic and creative God is.

When Gigi and PopPop Come for a Visit

 Turning PopPop's hair red with their headlamps.

 Time with Gigi.

Here comes trouble.