On Being Vulnerable

Vulnerability is a problem for me. Sometimes I call it being reserved. Sometimes I call it being “quick to listen and slow to speak,” and pat myself on the back for it. Sometimes I call it “Augen zu und durch,” which translated means something to effect of, “close your eyes and get through it."

But what is it really? It is fear. Fear of not being heard. Fear of being looked down upon. Fear of hurting too bad when it comes time to say goodbye to someone you trust.
I would have said up until a few days ago that I can be vulnerable in certain small groups that I go to. But what really happens is this:
We talk. Sometimes I hurt so deep within about something, that I know if I open up, it will all come flooding out of my eyes (and yes, my nose, too!). So I don’t open up.
Other times, I open up and just spew all over the other ladies. Hurt and frustration come pouring out all over them because I have not talked in so long.
In the first case, I am not vulnerable because I am not sharing struggles or joys with them. Silence is my guard, but I miss out on meaningful and even healing conversation. In the second case, I am not really being vulnerable in a way that will help grow a relationship, because all I needed at the time was to get something off of my chest.

I am in a season of life, in which all of my closest friends do not live close to me. The only one that remains in Columbia is moving away. So I am left in Columbia, the city I have lived in for 11 years, and feel like a stranger. I have not cultivated friendships here as well as I could have because I have not put in the effort, and have not wanted to be vulnerable.

So, here I am saying that I will no longer be isolated in my house or in my head. I will take the calculated risk of being vulnerable with people I believe I can trust. In the end, I hope to be a trustworthy friend. A friend who is vulnerable and who gives and receives freely.