Open Hands

Mothering is tricky business. Having a sinful heart makes it a fire. I have been confronted with the realities of my own selfishness, pride, need for perfection, need of control and dependence upon myself. It has driven me to the point of acknowledging my helplessness and of needing God to get me through the day. Mothering has thus far been five years of cutting away me and hopefully gaining more Christ. I am thankful for it.

The day before yesterday, Joey and I made the decision that we will send Max to a charter school, meaning public school (if he is accepted). This decision did not come easily. I have been researching different options for about two years now, and there are strengths and weaknesses in each one. There are some aspects of homeschooling that I absolutely adore. So making the decision to send our precious son to public school has turned my mind and heart into a battleground.

I have been plagued by fear. The “what if’s” keep popping into my mind. What if he has a terrible experience? What if he isn’t challenged enough? What if the pressure is too much? Can he handle a full day at school? And sadly, the reality of school shootings is also a factor.

I have felt guilt. Am I taking the easy road? Will I be giving my son a lesser education by sending him off? Am I less of a mother for sending him to school?

Though some of these questions are good ones to ask, I have to admit that if they stem from fear or guilt, they cannot be from God. Thankfully, my mom and I skyped yesterday, and she helped stem the flow of questions by reminding me of what is true.

God has the best interest of my children at heart.

God loves Max even more than I do.

God will never leave Max or forsake him.

God has given us all different circumstances, energy levels, strengths and weaknesses.

One education route might be his perfect will for one family, whereas an entirely different route might be fitting for another family. Who am I to say which one is better, when God truly is the loving controller of all? I am not saying to take responsibility lightly. Rather, I am saying to myself, what is God asking me to do? How can I be faithful to him?

And that is in a nutshell what mothering has been for me. Do I trust God with my little ones, with my loneliness, with my dreams that have been put on hold, with managing my household, with finances? Can I open my hands yet again and accept public school as part of the story God has written for Max, for me and our family?

We have prayed, and God has answered specific requests concerning Max’s education. There is a peace in my heart. Therefore, I am opening my hands. That is how I can live right now by faith.

And that is the best mothering I can do.