Grace Finding Me

A few days after Eden was born, I started feeling anxious, maybe even a bit desperate. I just didn't know how I was going to be able to handle a newborn and my two wonderful and highly energetic boys. I think my breathing and heartbeat might have even gotten faster. But then I had this thought. Instead of just taking it a day at a time, because I am not sure I can even handle day, I was going to look for one God given grace at a time. With the plan to open my eyes and look for grace, my anxiety disappeared like clouds after a rainstorm.

Eden is now almost four weeks old, and she has pretty severe reflux (we think). There is a lot of squirming, crying, fussing, screaming, spitting, coughing on her part, and a lot of headaches, questions, aching backs, tired eyes and arms, and just wishing it all away on our part. It can be overwhelming. So today Eden and I were back at the doctor because her prescribed medicine was not doing the trick. I teared up on the way there. I am just so tired. I wasn't looking for the grace blessings. They clearly found me. Our usual doctor wasn't there today, so I had to see a new one. It turned out being the pediatrician who first looked at Eden in the hospital. She was a familiar face, an understanding nod, an unhurried answer giver. I needed that.

So now we are waiting for a stronger reflux medicine to be filled. I am praying this does the trick, and my baby girl starts to feel a lot better soon. In the meantime, I am thankful that God knows what I need, even when I am too tired to even know it myself. 

Sleeping Beauty

taken by www.bellababyphotography.com

EDEN

So It Begins...

Max's name was drawn at the school lottery, which means that he will be attending this amazing charter school, starting sometime in August. Multiple forms arrived this week, and I am pleased to say that I am not freaking out. Rather, I am excited for him, and all of the learning opportunities he is going to receive. 

However, reality is starting to sink in. 

I won't have my boy around me 24/7.

I am going to miss him. 

A lot.

And I am amazed that I am now a school mom. 

Where have the last 5 years gone?

Well, one thing I know. Regardless of how educated he becomes, how big his muscles are, if he actually does become a ninja or not, he will always be my baby.

When the Transmission Goes Out on Your New Van

Funny how that happens. You attend a Bible study all fall about giving anxiety to God, and being content with your portion. You see passages on anxiety and God’s love all over the Bible, and you are overwhelmed with a deep peace. You study the book of John and for the first time ever, Jesus the compassionate jumps off the pages, and it is if he were washing your feet. You even go on to teach a retreat of high school girls about resting in the peace of God, and casting your cares on him.

Funny how that happens. You plan and save, and make as informed of a decision as you possibly can. You put 2000 miles on your new-to-you van, and the transmission starts to slip. You know that means money you don’t have.

So you wrestle and try to stop nibbling your lip while remembering the Jesus bent, washing your feet. And there is a battle for your mind and your heart and your allegiance. And there is anger and there are questions that make it nearly impossible for the healing water to wash away the dirt of that day. And there is the verse written and placed by the window sink a few days prior,
   
    “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:1)

How do you dwell in the shelter of God when you can’t stop dwelling on your need? A new transmission, a baby six weeks away from arrival, nursing school fees to be paid, and regular bills.

But there is that invitation in Matthew 11:28,

    “Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.”

How do you dwell in his shelter?

First just come (even if you were just there with the same burden two minutes ago).

Then remember that he cares for you, regardless of how you feel. List his faithfulness of the past to you and to others. Psalm 91:4 says that God’s faithfulness is a protective barrier between you and everything uncertain and certain headed your way.
Isaiah 41:10 says that you don’t have to be afraid because your God will give you the strength and the courage to meet all that is coming because he is your ally who will not let go.

Finally, throw those burdens on God (again), and he will give you rest, and you will dwell in his shelter.

Funny how that happens. A question and an honest answer between two members of the body of Christ on a Sunday morning. Then there is a check written to lift some weight of the transmission bill. God’s faithfulness.

Funny how that happens. A Monday morning with burdens once cast away, now weighing heavily down upon your shoulders again. A child complaining of his ear hurting. You take a light and shine it in the tiny dark passage and see a blue tube surrounded by wax. A blue tube you would otherwise not be able to see fall out because of how small it is. A blue tube that has prevented ear infections for over two years. A blue tube that you could not afford, and yet your heavenly parent provided every cent needed plus more. A blue tube visible. Today. On the day you think you might be losing the battle. God’s faithfulness.

Funny how that happens. You attend a Bible study all fall about giving anxiety to God, and being content with your portion. You see passages on anxiety and God’s love all over the Bible, and you are overwhelmed with a deep peace. You study the book of John and for the first time ever, Jesus the compassionate jumps off the pages, and it is if he were washing your feet. You even go on to teach a retreat of high school girls about resting in the peace of God, and casting your cares on him.
For the last eight months you have been equipped for this battle. God’s faithfulness.

I can rest with a thankful heart.

And when I start to nibble my lip and crumble under the weight of the burden I stubbornly and absentmindedly take back up, I will come again and again and again until I am back in the shelter and the arms of my Abba.

Easter 2010-2013

Easter 2010

Easter 2011

Easter 2012 (No idea where the picture is from the Easter Egg Hunt)

Easter 2013

Sick Days and Spring Cleaning

 A sick boy + spring cleaning (motivated by an early nesting instinct) = a trip to Goodwill

 To make room for this little girl.

Baby Girl is now 25 weeks. Only 15 more weeks to go. WHAT?!!!!!

Joey and I have decided to keep her name a secret just because we want to. However, I can tell you that Max has decided that he will be calling her either Sissi or Ruby.

Grocery Shopping with Will

I woke up this morning, and baby girl, was putting a lot of pressure in not very comfortable areas. Thus, the thought of going to the grocery store with my 5- year- old and 3- year-old boys was not the most exciting option of the day. Unfortunately, is was the only necessary option since we didn’t have any food left for meals. So off to the grocery store we went. The whole ordeal only took two hours.
The boys were actually wonderful. They were well behaved, and Will was so funny.  Max decided to walk, so Will took up both of the seats, kicked back and relaxed. Imagine him lounging in the race car shopping cart. So without further ado, here are some of the conversations that took place:

While waiting for a woman with whitish shoulder length hair to pick out her beef, Will asks, “Is that a girl?”
In a very hushed tone, I answer, “Yes, that is a woman.”
His response (in not as much of a hushed tone) was, “Why does she have beard?”
(We walked away to look at some poultry.)

During one of the times that Max and Will were fooling around with each other, Max said, “You are a stinker! A big stinker!”
Will said, “No, I’m not! I’m a little stinker!”

One of the wonderful baggers at Publix not only unloaded my shopping cart, bagged my groceries, but also pushed my cart to the car and loaded everything into the car. I can’t tell you how grateful I was considering the before mentioned pressure, courtesy of baby girl.
As I was fastening Will into his car seat, he asked, “What’s his name?” (referring to our hero bagger).
 “I don’t know. We’ll have to ask him next time,” I answered.
Will response was, “I think his name is John Mayer.”

I don’t know if this is as funny to you as it was to me. But needless to say, if I have to go grocery shopping for two hours and come home exhausted, I am grateful for a little boy with quite a sense of humor and curiosity. I hope he never loses either of them.

Why I Love Being a Mom/ Why I Love Having Boys

I find myself processing the hard and difficult parts of parenting quite often, so I have been meaning for a while to start writing down the things that I  L.O.V.E. about being a mom. Here is a start to an "in progress" list.

1. Dirt is not a crisis but a lifestyle.

2. Thus, bubble baths seem really productive. 

3. Cars and trains can entertain for a long time.

4. Too much energy?- Send them outside.

5. Imaginary battles and bad guys, but the good guys always prevail.

6. Bible stories of battles light a spark in their eyes.

7. Visible wonder of God when talking about his power and strength.

8. Clothing tends not to be a big deal (although there is the occasional shirt or superhero costume that must be worn until mom can’t stand the smell or stains.)

9. Even at age 5, mama’s kisses can make ouchies feel better.

10. Statements such as, “I wove your earwings!” or “Your my flower!”

11. When they pick flowers to put into my hair.

12. When they show their muscles and wait until you ooh and aah over them.

13. Truly believing they can fly and that they will go to college to be superheroes.

14. Snuggles.

15. Body humor of all kinds. (I'm sorry, but I find this hilarious.)

16. Knock knock jokes that don’t make any sense.

17. Curling up on the couch and reading and then reading some more.

18. Going to “The Special Drink Store” (aka Starbucks) and having a conversation with them.

19. Silly faces when taking pictures.

20. When they are excited about something they discovered, e.g., a burning sunset, a cement mixer on the road (or any construction vehicle for that matter), the moon, a star that must be Jupiter, an idea about how something works.

To be continued...

(What are some of your favorite aspects of being a mom?)

Open Hands

Mothering is tricky business. Having a sinful heart makes it a fire. I have been confronted with the realities of my own selfishness, pride, need for perfection, need of control and dependence upon myself. It has driven me to the point of acknowledging my helplessness and of needing God to get me through the day. Mothering has thus far been five years of cutting away me and hopefully gaining more Christ. I am thankful for it.

The day before yesterday, Joey and I made the decision that we will send Max to a charter school, meaning public school (if he is accepted). This decision did not come easily. I have been researching different options for about two years now, and there are strengths and weaknesses in each one. There are some aspects of homeschooling that I absolutely adore. So making the decision to send our precious son to public school has turned my mind and heart into a battleground.

I have been plagued by fear. The “what if’s” keep popping into my mind. What if he has a terrible experience? What if he isn’t challenged enough? What if the pressure is too much? Can he handle a full day at school? And sadly, the reality of school shootings is also a factor.

I have felt guilt. Am I taking the easy road? Will I be giving my son a lesser education by sending him off? Am I less of a mother for sending him to school?

Though some of these questions are good ones to ask, I have to admit that if they stem from fear or guilt, they cannot be from God. Thankfully, my mom and I skyped yesterday, and she helped stem the flow of questions by reminding me of what is true.

God has the best interest of my children at heart.

God loves Max even more than I do.

God will never leave Max or forsake him.

God has given us all different circumstances, energy levels, strengths and weaknesses.

One education route might be his perfect will for one family, whereas an entirely different route might be fitting for another family. Who am I to say which one is better, when God truly is the loving controller of all? I am not saying to take responsibility lightly. Rather, I am saying to myself, what is God asking me to do? How can I be faithful to him?

And that is in a nutshell what mothering has been for me. Do I trust God with my little ones, with my loneliness, with my dreams that have been put on hold, with managing my household, with finances? Can I open my hands yet again and accept public school as part of the story God has written for Max, for me and our family?

We have prayed, and God has answered specific requests concerning Max’s education. There is a peace in my heart. Therefore, I am opening my hands. That is how I can live right now by faith.

And that is the best mothering I can do.

20 Weeks

2013

I am still here. Just not writing quite yet. I have so much in my head right now, that I just can't seem to find words for it all. (Not to mention that I am 20 weeks pregnant with #3 today.)

So we'll see. Maybe 2013 will have some words and pictures to be remembered by.


Well, here are three for starters.

 Snuggling with baby brother or sister.

 Happy New Year.

HOPE

Hope - That is what Advent is about!

I have always loved this season. Ideally it is the quiet anticipation of the birth of Christ. Joey and I naturally shy away from things that can make this time hectic and stressful. We both avoid the mall, and we don't even go crazy with the gift giving.
However, the older I get, the more I see how Advent really is about hope. We lost our first child during Advent, and the only hope I had that year was the hope of the coming Christ and the destruction of  death. Hope is what healed.
Last year we were sick during a chunk of Advent, and some of my dear Austrian Advent traditions had to be skipped. In the midst of a sick Advent, I learned of my need and a loving God who came, who will come again, and is deeply involved and interested in the details of my life.
This year Advent is restoring my hope that God is active and moving. This year I have seen ministries struggle with various problems. Honestly, my heart has become a little bitter. I see a lot of stress. I have witnessed friends grieving various losses; including the loss of dreams and the loss of children. And this is also the first Advent I have actually listened to some of our Christmas music with women and children in mind who have been trafficked. I wonder of they scoff.
Last night, as I was driving home, God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen came on the radio. Here is the first verse:

God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember, Christ, our Saviour
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all from Satan's power
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

Isn't this what Advent is about? We don't have to walk through life with our heads hung in dismay. Why? Because Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day. This does not negate the grief, the hurt and the evil that I have seen and felt. But it does mean that the story does not end in grief, hurt and evil. We have a Savior who came to save us ALL from Satan's power, even though we were the ones who left. That is indeed news of great comfort and joy. So as the preacher at church said on Sunday, "Lift up your heads! We start the church year by remembering the end of the story. Hope draws near!"

A Time of Need, A Time of Provision

 It has been way too long since I last posted, and I never did follow up with all that I learned in the DR. Hopefully, that post will come at some point.  As for now, Joey and I are excited to announce that K3 is in his or her way. Since it has been on Facebook for a while it will come at no great surprise to anybody (I think.) We are excited. The boys are beyond excited. They consistently suggest names, and all have to do with animals or food. To say this pregnancy has been bliss wouldn't be true. I have had all day sickness for the entire first trimester. I had certain food aversions with the boys, but nothing like this. I had a few weeks when opening the fridge was too much to handle. Church of the Apostles came to our rescue and provided meals 3 times a week for 3 weeks. I am so thankful for them because Chick-fil-A was getting way too much of my husband's hard earned money as a result of me not being able to cook or even go to the grocery store.

It is very hard not be be physically fit. I am not necessarily talking about being in shape. Rather, when you are just not functioning at 100%, life and responsibilities are a little more difficult.

Let me just pause here and say that I have an amazing husband. He has taken on so much. I have felt guilty at times for not being able to keep up with anything. He comes to my rescue time and time again, gladly and never complaining or giving me the feeling that I need to pull myself together. That is grace (and really hot.)

12 week "belly"

This Thanksgiving we decided not to travel, and I was excited to have a very low- key relaxing time as a family. I was especially looking forward to Joey having four whole days off. Tuesday night Will started coughing very badly, and when Max woke up the following morning, he looked terrible. He even said he felt awful. As the morning past and Will was hardly awake for any of it, I decided to call our nurse. Thankfully she set up an appointment for us with the doctor because it turned out that both boys had the flu. Will was so out of it, he fell asleep on the examination table. We then had to go to two different pharmacies to get their medicine. They were two sick little boys, and they are still recovering.

Wednesday evening I started to feel achy, and come Thanksgiving morning, I was a sick girl. My entire body hurt. My limbs were heavy. I was coughing and sneezing and constantly blowing my nose. So Joey spent Thanksgiving tracking down some flu medicine that our doctor friend called in for me. (Most pharmacies were closed, and most pharmacies were out of the medicine!) He also went to Walmart to get some food since we had nothing to cook at the house (because of morning sickness.)
We ate a frozen lasagna and garlic bread for Thanksgiving,  but we really did have a lot to be thankful for.
 

Again, I have an incredible hubby, who really went out of his way to take care of his family on his vacation.
We have a wonderful friend who is a doctor, and cared enough to find an open pharmacy for us.
Michi was with us (although he might have wanted to be somewhere else...i wouldn't blame him.)
Doctors and medicine at our fingertips.
Hot showers to help ease aches and pains.
Soft clean beds.
Clean water.
Tissues and more tissues.
Food to eat.
Beautiful Fall days.
Rest.
Oh, my morning sickness is gone...almost. I can actually see food on TV and not get queasy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Dominican Republic

 Bath time.

 The Tree of Fire

 We made it up the mountain!

 The little guy in the plaid is Elvis, and he has the most infectious laugh. Be on the lookout for him in pro baseball 20 years from now because that kid can throw!

 Teenage girls really are not that different regardless of what country you are in.

 Rainbow rocks for Max. All of them were at the riverbank where we went swimming. It still blows my mind, that all of these colors were in one place.

 Last morning in Boma. How I miss the sound of rain on a tin roof!

 This is the family with which we stayed.

 Our house in Jarabacoa, where we stayed two nights.

I intend on writing more in detail about my experience in the DR, but for now let me just say that I was very blessed by being in a place where I could take in the incredible beauty of nature, childhood, and culture without having to look after my little ones. It was such a luxury to be able to take pictures unhurriedly.