Grace Finding Me

A few days after Eden was born, I started feeling anxious, maybe even a bit desperate. I just didn't know how I was going to be able to handle a newborn and my two wonderful and highly energetic boys. I think my breathing and heartbeat might have even gotten faster. But then I had this thought. Instead of just taking it a day at a time, because I am not sure I can even handle day, I was going to look for one God given grace at a time. With the plan to open my eyes and look for grace, my anxiety disappeared like clouds after a rainstorm.

Eden is now almost four weeks old, and she has pretty severe reflux (we think). There is a lot of squirming, crying, fussing, screaming, spitting, coughing on her part, and a lot of headaches, questions, aching backs, tired eyes and arms, and just wishing it all away on our part. It can be overwhelming. So today Eden and I were back at the doctor because her prescribed medicine was not doing the trick. I teared up on the way there. I am just so tired. I wasn't looking for the grace blessings. They clearly found me. Our usual doctor wasn't there today, so I had to see a new one. It turned out being the pediatrician who first looked at Eden in the hospital. She was a familiar face, an understanding nod, an unhurried answer giver. I needed that.

So now we are waiting for a stronger reflux medicine to be filled. I am praying this does the trick, and my baby girl starts to feel a lot better soon. In the meantime, I am thankful that God knows what I need, even when I am too tired to even know it myself. 

Sleeping Beauty

taken by www.bellababyphotography.com

EDEN

So It Begins...

Max's name was drawn at the school lottery, which means that he will be attending this amazing charter school, starting sometime in August. Multiple forms arrived this week, and I am pleased to say that I am not freaking out. Rather, I am excited for him, and all of the learning opportunities he is going to receive. 

However, reality is starting to sink in. 

I won't have my boy around me 24/7.

I am going to miss him. 

A lot.

And I am amazed that I am now a school mom. 

Where have the last 5 years gone?

Well, one thing I know. Regardless of how educated he becomes, how big his muscles are, if he actually does become a ninja or not, he will always be my baby.

When the Transmission Goes Out on Your New Van

Funny how that happens. You attend a Bible study all fall about giving anxiety to God, and being content with your portion. You see passages on anxiety and God’s love all over the Bible, and you are overwhelmed with a deep peace. You study the book of John and for the first time ever, Jesus the compassionate jumps off the pages, and it is if he were washing your feet. You even go on to teach a retreat of high school girls about resting in the peace of God, and casting your cares on him.

Funny how that happens. You plan and save, and make as informed of a decision as you possibly can. You put 2000 miles on your new-to-you van, and the transmission starts to slip. You know that means money you don’t have.

So you wrestle and try to stop nibbling your lip while remembering the Jesus bent, washing your feet. And there is a battle for your mind and your heart and your allegiance. And there is anger and there are questions that make it nearly impossible for the healing water to wash away the dirt of that day. And there is the verse written and placed by the window sink a few days prior,
   
    “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:1)

How do you dwell in the shelter of God when you can’t stop dwelling on your need? A new transmission, a baby six weeks away from arrival, nursing school fees to be paid, and regular bills.

But there is that invitation in Matthew 11:28,

    “Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.”

How do you dwell in his shelter?

First just come (even if you were just there with the same burden two minutes ago).

Then remember that he cares for you, regardless of how you feel. List his faithfulness of the past to you and to others. Psalm 91:4 says that God’s faithfulness is a protective barrier between you and everything uncertain and certain headed your way.
Isaiah 41:10 says that you don’t have to be afraid because your God will give you the strength and the courage to meet all that is coming because he is your ally who will not let go.

Finally, throw those burdens on God (again), and he will give you rest, and you will dwell in his shelter.

Funny how that happens. A question and an honest answer between two members of the body of Christ on a Sunday morning. Then there is a check written to lift some weight of the transmission bill. God’s faithfulness.

Funny how that happens. A Monday morning with burdens once cast away, now weighing heavily down upon your shoulders again. A child complaining of his ear hurting. You take a light and shine it in the tiny dark passage and see a blue tube surrounded by wax. A blue tube you would otherwise not be able to see fall out because of how small it is. A blue tube that has prevented ear infections for over two years. A blue tube that you could not afford, and yet your heavenly parent provided every cent needed plus more. A blue tube visible. Today. On the day you think you might be losing the battle. God’s faithfulness.

Funny how that happens. You attend a Bible study all fall about giving anxiety to God, and being content with your portion. You see passages on anxiety and God’s love all over the Bible, and you are overwhelmed with a deep peace. You study the book of John and for the first time ever, Jesus the compassionate jumps off the pages, and it is if he were washing your feet. You even go on to teach a retreat of high school girls about resting in the peace of God, and casting your cares on him.
For the last eight months you have been equipped for this battle. God’s faithfulness.

I can rest with a thankful heart.

And when I start to nibble my lip and crumble under the weight of the burden I stubbornly and absentmindedly take back up, I will come again and again and again until I am back in the shelter and the arms of my Abba.

Easter 2010-2013

Easter 2010

Easter 2011

Easter 2012 (No idea where the picture is from the Easter Egg Hunt)

Easter 2013

Sick Days and Spring Cleaning

 A sick boy + spring cleaning (motivated by an early nesting instinct) = a trip to Goodwill

 To make room for this little girl.

Baby Girl is now 25 weeks. Only 15 more weeks to go. WHAT?!!!!!

Joey and I have decided to keep her name a secret just because we want to. However, I can tell you that Max has decided that he will be calling her either Sissi or Ruby.

Grocery Shopping with Will

I woke up this morning, and baby girl, was putting a lot of pressure in not very comfortable areas. Thus, the thought of going to the grocery store with my 5- year- old and 3- year-old boys was not the most exciting option of the day. Unfortunately, is was the only necessary option since we didn’t have any food left for meals. So off to the grocery store we went. The whole ordeal only took two hours.
The boys were actually wonderful. They were well behaved, and Will was so funny.  Max decided to walk, so Will took up both of the seats, kicked back and relaxed. Imagine him lounging in the race car shopping cart. So without further ado, here are some of the conversations that took place:

While waiting for a woman with whitish shoulder length hair to pick out her beef, Will asks, “Is that a girl?”
In a very hushed tone, I answer, “Yes, that is a woman.”
His response (in not as much of a hushed tone) was, “Why does she have beard?”
(We walked away to look at some poultry.)

During one of the times that Max and Will were fooling around with each other, Max said, “You are a stinker! A big stinker!”
Will said, “No, I’m not! I’m a little stinker!”

One of the wonderful baggers at Publix not only unloaded my shopping cart, bagged my groceries, but also pushed my cart to the car and loaded everything into the car. I can’t tell you how grateful I was considering the before mentioned pressure, courtesy of baby girl.
As I was fastening Will into his car seat, he asked, “What’s his name?” (referring to our hero bagger).
 “I don’t know. We’ll have to ask him next time,” I answered.
Will response was, “I think his name is John Mayer.”

I don’t know if this is as funny to you as it was to me. But needless to say, if I have to go grocery shopping for two hours and come home exhausted, I am grateful for a little boy with quite a sense of humor and curiosity. I hope he never loses either of them.

Why I Love Being a Mom/ Why I Love Having Boys

I find myself processing the hard and difficult parts of parenting quite often, so I have been meaning for a while to start writing down the things that I  L.O.V.E. about being a mom. Here is a start to an "in progress" list.

1. Dirt is not a crisis but a lifestyle.

2. Thus, bubble baths seem really productive. 

3. Cars and trains can entertain for a long time.

4. Too much energy?- Send them outside.

5. Imaginary battles and bad guys, but the good guys always prevail.

6. Bible stories of battles light a spark in their eyes.

7. Visible wonder of God when talking about his power and strength.

8. Clothing tends not to be a big deal (although there is the occasional shirt or superhero costume that must be worn until mom can’t stand the smell or stains.)

9. Even at age 5, mama’s kisses can make ouchies feel better.

10. Statements such as, “I wove your earwings!” or “Your my flower!”

11. When they pick flowers to put into my hair.

12. When they show their muscles and wait until you ooh and aah over them.

13. Truly believing they can fly and that they will go to college to be superheroes.

14. Snuggles.

15. Body humor of all kinds. (I'm sorry, but I find this hilarious.)

16. Knock knock jokes that don’t make any sense.

17. Curling up on the couch and reading and then reading some more.

18. Going to “The Special Drink Store” (aka Starbucks) and having a conversation with them.

19. Silly faces when taking pictures.

20. When they are excited about something they discovered, e.g., a burning sunset, a cement mixer on the road (or any construction vehicle for that matter), the moon, a star that must be Jupiter, an idea about how something works.

To be continued...

(What are some of your favorite aspects of being a mom?)

Open Hands

Mothering is tricky business. Having a sinful heart makes it a fire. I have been confronted with the realities of my own selfishness, pride, need for perfection, need of control and dependence upon myself. It has driven me to the point of acknowledging my helplessness and of needing God to get me through the day. Mothering has thus far been five years of cutting away me and hopefully gaining more Christ. I am thankful for it.

The day before yesterday, Joey and I made the decision that we will send Max to a charter school, meaning public school (if he is accepted). This decision did not come easily. I have been researching different options for about two years now, and there are strengths and weaknesses in each one. There are some aspects of homeschooling that I absolutely adore. So making the decision to send our precious son to public school has turned my mind and heart into a battleground.

I have been plagued by fear. The “what if’s” keep popping into my mind. What if he has a terrible experience? What if he isn’t challenged enough? What if the pressure is too much? Can he handle a full day at school? And sadly, the reality of school shootings is also a factor.

I have felt guilt. Am I taking the easy road? Will I be giving my son a lesser education by sending him off? Am I less of a mother for sending him to school?

Though some of these questions are good ones to ask, I have to admit that if they stem from fear or guilt, they cannot be from God. Thankfully, my mom and I skyped yesterday, and she helped stem the flow of questions by reminding me of what is true.

God has the best interest of my children at heart.

God loves Max even more than I do.

God will never leave Max or forsake him.

God has given us all different circumstances, energy levels, strengths and weaknesses.

One education route might be his perfect will for one family, whereas an entirely different route might be fitting for another family. Who am I to say which one is better, when God truly is the loving controller of all? I am not saying to take responsibility lightly. Rather, I am saying to myself, what is God asking me to do? How can I be faithful to him?

And that is in a nutshell what mothering has been for me. Do I trust God with my little ones, with my loneliness, with my dreams that have been put on hold, with managing my household, with finances? Can I open my hands yet again and accept public school as part of the story God has written for Max, for me and our family?

We have prayed, and God has answered specific requests concerning Max’s education. There is a peace in my heart. Therefore, I am opening my hands. That is how I can live right now by faith.

And that is the best mothering I can do.

20 Weeks

2013

I am still here. Just not writing quite yet. I have so much in my head right now, that I just can't seem to find words for it all. (Not to mention that I am 20 weeks pregnant with #3 today.)

So we'll see. Maybe 2013 will have some words and pictures to be remembered by.


Well, here are three for starters.

 Snuggling with baby brother or sister.

 Happy New Year.